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I can’t believe I am paying someone to make me this miserable.

6 Oct

So I’ve started up some new types of physio treatment. One in particular is so-painful-it-isn’t-funny. Seriously.

I am trying to find ways of keeping my head up. Just thinking about this treatment puts me in a bad mood, and husband has been suffering for it. But I can’t let pain control my life.

In other news, this is the last week of sessions that we actually have money for, and I just found out yesterday that there have been further stupid delays with my student loan and grant payments coming through. Bah.

I figure it is about time I gave a more thorough update on my physiotherapy, but for now I am just going to do my best to get through treatment today without losing it.


When your heart was open wide and you love things just because

30 Sep

I am not generally one to post long quotes of other people’s content, nor am I one to post profanity since I know that some people find it alienating or off-putting.

But. This is ringing loud in my ears lately, and I thought that it might resonate for other ladies with chronic pelvic pain.

So many women with pelvic pain conditions are living in discomfort that is exhausting. I am lucky that my condition usually only causes me pain during intercourse, but I will be honest and say that my treatments (which I am totally grateful for and happy with) have caused me to experience a lot of ongoing pain during day-to-day activities, particularly in trying to sit through classes where my movement is restricted. I have some days where I am supposed to be sitting for close to eight hours in unpadded chairs with very little opportunity to stretch properly (as you can guess, the kinds of stretches that I would need in order to relieve the pain are not exactly ones you can do in public…!), so I have been getting a small taste of what some pelvic pain sufferers go through every day for many, many years.

This ongoing pain, along with the relationship strain and impact on self-image that comes with malfunctioning sexy bits, makes it just so, so likely that we will experience challenges in maintaining good mental health. So many of us are depressed or anxious or have panic attacks or just plain feel bad about ourselves. Some of us are lonely or have been abandoned because of our conditions.

This text speaks to the layers of this experience and to the pure, raw, angry and hopeful determination it takes to push back and push through the problems our bodies are facing again and again and again. So, enjoy. I’ll be singing this as I walk the hour home from physio tomorrow, feeling the ache of battered and unhappy muscles kicking in but refusing the take the bus because damn the pain. It’s a beautiful day and I’m walking home.

excerpt from “A Better Son/Daughter” by Rilo Kiley

And sometimes when you’re on,
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
You’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it; you’ll go out fighting all of ’em.

in which I insist that I am not a sexual deviant, honest

27 Sep

Okay, okay, I have not been a faithful blog-writer. I know. But I have been a very faithful physio-doer. If that is a thing. And if it is a thing then it describes me perfectly because I have been kicking this physio’s ass. Well, I’ve been kicking it’s ass 6 days a week when I do 30-40 minutes of daily exercises. It’s been kicking MY ass 1 day a week when I go in for my treatments. Because ouch. Let’s just say there is a whole lot of manhandling of things I did not think would ever be manhandled in such a way.

And the physiotherapist always tells me to pay attention and see if my vagina hurts afterward, but it never does. It always feels perfectly fine. My inner hips on the other hand? Super sore and achy, sometimes for DAYS. She releases them by applying (what feels like) large amounts of pressure on the muscles and apparently they don’t like that. I think I’m making progress though. I didn’t realize that my whole life I had had so much tension in my whole pelvic region. Now that I am learning to relax this area, I can really notice the difference between my tight moments and my relaxed moments. My medium-sized dilator is getting a bit small, I think, since it is really not providing much stretch, so it might be time to go back to the sparkly silver one (which is slightly larger). I think my internal muscles are loosening up quite a bit. At my last appointment she gave me a serious internal vag massage (seriously. never. thought. i. would. say. that.) and upped the ante to a 2-finger stroke. That was new. Anyway, I know this all sounds horribly weird and awkward but my physiotherapist is really great and somehow I don’t even think most of the time how totally bizarre it is that I am paying some woman enormous amounts of money to massage my genitals once a week.

Okay, let’s not talk about it anymore. I’m feeling like a weirdo.

Is this that bit about all things working together for good?

13 Sep

I’ve about a hundred pages to read by lunch tomorrow, but I had to give a quick update on the treatment front. I am SO grateful to have found my physiotherapist. Things are looking up. I’ve only met with her three times, and already there has been a huge improvement in my muscle tension. I’m on a break from intercourse for a few more weeks probably – we don’t want to traumatize my pelvic floor and set back my progress. BUT! I’m getting better!

That is the first bit of amazing news.

The second bit of amazing news is that we received an anonymous card passed to us through our pastor this week. Inside was the money needed for one month’s worth of physio. So, um, we are pretty thankful to God and whoever gave us that money. And, um, I’m feeling pretty humbled and like I should really be addressing my anxiety over this issue. I can’t let my pelvic pain define my relationship, my identity or my frame of mind.

In other news, it seems like my vestibulitis may be pretty much cleared up. I haven’t had much trouble with superficial pain. Gradually, my body’s issues are getting cleared up. One at a time.

Workin’ it out

30 Aug

Yes, the last post was a downer. We’ve had a crazy few weeks here, and we are both processing. But there is progress! We are working on it.

I went to physio yesterday. It was really good. The physiotherapist specializes in pelvic issues and she was great. Finally I felt like someone was really paying attention to the specifics of my condition, not just giving me a blanket diagnosis with general advice. She spent the whole hour doing diagnostic work: asking lots of questions, poking and prodding me, observing my posture and movements, doing stretches. I will admit that I was pretty sore afterward. She was able to pinpoint a handful of areas that are carrying extreme tension – mainly my quads, inner hips and various parts of my pelvic floor. I have a 1/2 hour session scheduled for tomorrow where she will begin teaching me some exercises to target the problem areas. I am feeling great about this clinic and really optimistic about my chances of making progress in this course of treatment!


There is always a but, isn’t there?

It’s expensive. And after tomorrow (literally – tomorrow is the last day!) we won’t have any health coverage. Well, actually we will have a teeny tiny bit but it won’t cover these treatments (or much of anything, to be honest). I am so grateful to live in a country that has universal health care, however there are some things that we have to pay out of pocket for, and this is one of them. My husband is underemployed right now and I am going back to school in 2 weeks! So, the timing sucks. We are going to have to think hard about what to do. The physiotherapist suggests I go once a week but says I could go every second week and still see some benefit. Basically, if I go any less frequently than that, there is not much point since whatever progress has been made will be lost before the next treatment. Laaame. I really don’t know what to do. We are honestly barely making ends meet right now. On the other hand, this is about my health and the health of our marriage – both worth prioritizing. We have some praying and thinking and talking to do, I guess.



25 Aug

My husband just walked out the door, feeling frustrated and upset because our sex life sucks.

I feel it too.

I know he’s coming back. I’m just angry that this is even happening.

the waiting game

2 Aug

It’s been six months since my last period.  That was the ONLY period I have had since coming off the Pill.  Time flies, eh?  Six.  Months.

Three days ago, I had some slight (but unmistakable) spotting.  I figured that menstruation was just around the corner, but was a little confused by the lack of cramps or sore boobs.  I mean, I ALWAYS have cramps and sore boobs to the point of misery.  But whatever, I figured they would come soon enough.

Then the next day, no cramps, no sore boobs, and no blood.

Then the next day, nothing again.

I became suspicious.  Could this be implantation bleeding?  The timing would make sense with the last time we had intercourse (a week and a half ago).

Peed on a stick this morning: negative.

And then today, very subtle spotting yet again.  Still no other symptoms.  I know it would still be fairly early for anything to show up on a pregnancy test.  And I also  know that sometimes spotting happens, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

So now I am waiting and wondering and trying to figure out what to hope for.